Aural Moon - Progressive Rock Discussion - Parallel Musical Universe

About 5 years ago or so I was asked to write an article for a magazine called Clear Future that only put out one issue. I can't yet find my submission that appeared in that issue, but I did come across another article I had submitted for use in another issue (which never happened).

After I dug it out, I cleaned it up and sent it to Jim and Keith, and got a unexpected decent response. I've been asked to post it, and after some self-debating and a risk of completely embarassing myself, here it is. I hope it makes you laugh!

In the late 1960's, there was an ill-fated attempt at a collaboration involving Jimi Hendrix, Mitch Mitchell, Greg Lake, and Keith Emerson. Rumor (or rumour, if you're some U.S. British-wannabe) has it that Mitchell was drunk, a real jerk, or both. This killed the project before it started.

I always wondered what would have happened if Mitchell didn't have that extra drink. Some consequences are obvious - there would have been no ELP, for instance. Others are less obvious, and require some exaggeration and sheer idiocy. I am of course, the best man for the job!

So, I have created a parallel musical universe. In this universe, the aforementioned quartet formed their supergroup, and Carl Palmer ended up joining a group called "The Crazy World of Barry Manilow"). Since Hendrix was occupied in this group, he didn't have time to experiment with so many drugs. He consequently became enamored with the ways of English gentility. This led him to renounce his American citizenship. Seattle, therefore, was
not considered cool, or a musical hotbed (I always wanted a musical hotbed).

About 7 years later (note - the time measures are not comparable with our Universe! Time is not only irregular, but inconsistent. Trying to figure it out would cause extreme migranes and loss of sexual potency - now there's a deterrent! I made up this time measure for the sole purpose of giving myself complete freedom and poetic license. Basically, I can do whatever I want! Ha!) Kurt Cobain, sensing that nothing was happening
with the music scene (I hate that term) migrated south to L.A. It was there that he teamed up with Kenny Loggins on the film "Footloose and Suicidal".

A whole new music scene (I still hate that term) was formed, named by the acronym "YOGURT" which stands for "Yuppie Original Grunge Underground Radio Tracks". Several seconds later (remember my time theory), Eddie Vedder decided not to form Pearl Jam, and to simply take a job with Ticketmaster.

Since Greg Lake was busy, he was not available to join King Crimson. John Wetton decided to join early, in time for the first album. Well, the record was released, and prog fans were horrified to see as the first cut, "21st Century Ladies Man". Unfazed by (un)popular reaction, Crimson continued with this theme, and released "In The Waking Up With A Hooker", followed up by "Lizard Tongue". A few hundred eons later (I promise that will be it for the time references), finally tired of the negative publicity, Wetton was forced to leave the band. His replacement, Geddy Lee, insisted on bringing along Neil Peart. Sadly, there would be no Rush (I didn't say it was a perfect Universe)!

King Crimson, now consisting of Fripp, Peart, & Lee (sounds like a law firm), renamed themselves "The Power Trio League of Crafty Musicians". Bill Bruford stayed with Yes, and put out great music, save for the ill-advised collaboration with John Wetton, "Open Your Thighs".

Tony Levin ended up joining Genesis. Mike Rutherford was retained, but was relegated to 20-string (one for each digit) acoustic wah-wah nylon steel guitar. This instrument appeared on vinyl as often as the flute in Ozric Tentacles (who later became an accounting firm). Peter Gabriel, oblivious of the parallel world, called Levin's joining "destiny". Genesis by the year 12.34,568/#$$$@@2 (no more time references - what a typical male lie!) had put out the musical equivalent of Gabriel's first three releases. finally, after a record # 4 (called "Security Leak"), Banks and Rutherford got fed up, and left the band. They hired little-known singer Ray Wilson and WAIT - THAT"S OUR UNIVERSE!

This now takes us to Phil Collins - doesn't it always come back to him? In fact, he is the only constant between the two universes. He did his thing with Brand X, and then solo (oh well, some people never learn).

Back to Hendrix - instead of influencing music post-houmously (or pre-Shirley McLaine), he was influential during his life. However, after his group's release "Love Beach" he wished he was dead.

Robin Trower, who in our universe carried on the Hendrix sound, did not have any point of reference in this universe, got clinically depressed, contracted an eating disorder, and ballooned to 450 pounds. Thus came the poor-selling release "Bridge of Size". Carrying on the Hendrix-style therefore fell to Martin Barre, who put out 37 records in a 16-year career. David Palmer joined Emerson and Lake on a collaboration. They wanted to name it "Emerson Lake and Palmer", but the A&R people talked them out of it saying "it'll never sell".

Tony Iommi, by virtue of a working guitar lead, joined Jethro Tull (like he almost did in 1968). Tony also brought along Ozzy, who almost got booted after the incessant use of "all right now" (even though it would pop up periodically - "I came upon Mother Goose, she was screaming - all right now")! Jethro Tull was eventually renamed "Jethro Sabbath". This name confused so many people, there was no such thing as modern country music (hooray!).

Almost-country stars of the future then paired off with heavy metal artists. Hilarious duets were formed, such as the "Dee Snider-Garth Brooks Explosion", the "Alice Cooper Project with Travis Tritt", "Marilyn Manson featuring Conway Twitty" and the "Ronnie James Duo" (RJD with Lee Ann Rimes).

Hey - it's not that farfetched - we've got Elvis Costello/Burt Bachrach and Pat Boone doing heavy metal!

Well, I hope you enjoyed our little twisted trip. And just think, you didn't need any chemical stimulation!